For all you speed freaks out there, here's the fastest car on Planet Earth, the Porsche 9FF GT9, test driven to the maxage! But what about the Shelby Ultimate Aero I hear you cry, or the Giblet Platinum Malteser? Well, I'll let you fight it out, but this is still a great car.

986 horse power, no traction control, no DSG gear box, one wing mirror, no airbags and it can beat Marty's DeLorean back to 1955. Chris Harris chats with its proud parent Jan 'The Man' Fatthauer about this awesome piece of machinery, it's f#cking scalectric!

If Beelzebub was visiting relatives in Swindon tomorrow, he'd be rocking out of hell in one of these bad boys. Jeremy Clarkson stains his sheets each night dreaming about shutting his weiner in the car's bonnet, that's how cool this car is.

Plus they raced this at Monte Carlo against Superman and the Flash, they cried heroic tears because it whipped their puny asses, they had a dust sandwich with a side of rubber for dinner that night!

This is a new state of the art mobile, it's incredible. It's got so many new features that are basically undreamt of; it's going to make the iPhone obsolete, believe, taking a massive bite out of Apple's profits. Crunch!

It has some absolutely thorough features, like a shaver, projector and a mouth-harp! I know, it's so exciting! I wonder whether it's diatonic or octave? Anyway, all you Bob Dylan wannabes (like me) can now annoy all and sundry with your renditions of Subterranean Homesick Blues while commuting to work - Johnny's on the subway playing on his Pomegranate...

And just wait until the Pomegranate 4G comes out, it's going to be spontaneous man! It'll support third-eye applications, have a software botox interface, a Scalectrix keyboard, a geothermic powered portable music player and toilet, and a fully integrated elfin-band GSM simulated reality. Mega! Plus it has a cornea compatible docking station. Yeah! It's due for release April 1st 2009, I cannot wait! It'll be hernia inducing!

I'll see you at the front of the queue when it's released. I'll be the guy with the authentic Roman ballista pointing at your crotch in case you try to push in. Don't you dare.