You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!

Chimps, they're our closest relatives and one's been president of the free world for the last 8 years, like Planet Of The Apes was a documentary or something. And now here's one riding a segway, and even though he could do with some practice, it can ride it better than Bush could, but that's no real surprise is it.

Watching that little chimp motor his way about got me thinking; they should race these chimps on those segways, like a simian version of Wacky Races, they could supe them up, pimp them out, whatever. Surely that's an entire semester's worth of Japanese game shows right there, and then some, knowing those Japanese. They could bring in some other primates, like gorillas, that'd be interesting, could have the Great Ape Segway Olympics with humans, chimps, gorillas and orangutans all fighting it out to be crowned the greatest of the great apes.

Somebody get Fox News on the phone, I've got an idea for them, they could run it as cutting edge investigative journalism...!