I thought No. 1 was going to be 'Become An Actor'. Hilarious aye, but actors work real hard, so stop laughing! Nah they don't really, they just sit about in their trailers jacking off over the fruit bowl, then occasionally venturing outside on set, farting, which is then recorded, edited, a fart noise is added, sound track is added (more fart noises), the fart cloud is digitally enhanced using lasers fired from Uranus, then it's shown to a test audience who demand a happier ending where the fart noise becomes a trombone-like sound. So it's re-edited, the sound changed and then it's ready.

Then it's shown to some very important critics, without whom the Earth would not revolve around the Sun, who applaud the actor's skill in showing the depth and exact squelchy sound of someone passing wind. It's then shown in countries the world over, its very existence halts global warming, the meltdown of the economy and provides the whole world with clean water - then, finally, deservingly, they get an Oscar.

That's fact, I should know, as I once directed Gielgud on stage as Hamlet's sweat glands, it's was spectacular!

Anyway, like I said acting's not on the list, but plenty of other great career paths are. So go check it out and find out how to get rich, without having to work, just like an actor!

This is a new state of the art mobile, it's incredible. It's got so many new features that are basically undreamt of; it's going to make the iPhone obsolete, believe, taking a massive bite out of Apple's profits. Crunch!

It has some absolutely thorough features, like a shaver, projector and a mouth-harp! I know, it's so exciting! I wonder whether it's diatonic or octave? Anyway, all you Bob Dylan wannabes (like me) can now annoy all and sundry with your renditions of Subterranean Homesick Blues while commuting to work - Johnny's on the subway playing on his Pomegranate...

And just wait until the Pomegranate 4G comes out, it's going to be spontaneous man! It'll support third-eye applications, have a software botox interface, a Scalectrix keyboard, a geothermic powered portable music player and toilet, and a fully integrated elfin-band GSM simulated reality. Mega! Plus it has a cornea compatible docking station. Yeah! It's due for release April 1st 2009, I cannot wait! It'll be hernia inducing!

I'll see you at the front of the queue when it's released. I'll be the guy with the authentic Roman ballista pointing at your crotch in case you try to push in. Don't you dare.