You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous, yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!

For all you speed freaks out there, here's the fastest car on Planet Earth, the Porsche 9FF GT9, test driven to the maxage! But what about the Shelby Ultimate Aero I hear you cry, or the Giblet Platinum Malteser? Well, I'll let you fight it out, but this is still a great car.

986 horse power, no traction control, no DSG gear box, one wing mirror, no airbags and it can beat Marty's DeLorean back to 1955. Chris Harris chats with its proud parent Jan 'The Man' Fatthauer about this awesome piece of machinery, it's f#cking scalectric!

If Beelzebub was visiting relatives in Swindon tomorrow, he'd be rocking out of hell in one of these bad boys. Jeremy Clarkson stains his sheets each night dreaming about shutting his weiner in the car's bonnet, that's how cool this car is.

Plus they raced this at Monte Carlo against Superman and the Flash, they cried heroic tears because it whipped their puny asses, they had a dust sandwich with a side of rubber for dinner that night!